Not Good Enough
by Tsumugi-sensei
Summary: Cecil is feeling depressed after the disappearance of Carlos. NOTE! I wrote this before part B of ep. 49 which was much sadder than my fic DX so yeah. Rate please! :D


It all started on the day when his heart died.

Now you may not understand this context, so I'll explain it to you. As you probably already know, Cecil and Carlos' love is a beautiful and precarious thing. It balances like a flamingo does, beautiful and elegant. But their lives were so full of mystery and danger and revolt – especially revolt – so when Carlos disappeared… you can imagine how Cecil felt. He was lost and in a dark place. Every week or so, he had to talk on his radio show about the town and the revolt and other painfully mind-numbing things, when all he really cared about was Carlos. Where had he gone? Was he okay? He just wanted his perfect Carlos back. He lay awake at night thinking about it until he couldn't any more because of the helicopters circling his house, sensing the sleepless citizen.

And then, Dana. She showed up in his studio like she had many times before, but this time she brought a companion. Carlos. Carlos, Carlos, Carlos. For the radio audience, he kept his composure. But on the inside, he was screaming and crying and reaching out with invisible hands to hold his faint hologram.

He loved Carlos so. He loved him so and was so proud of his heroic work helping Dana. But he knew he wasn't good enough.

Why Cecil would ever think such a thing, I don't know. But he did. His heart sank when he knew Carlos wouldn't be returning for a while, and it kept sinking until it was drowned completely in the ocean of his despair. He could never be as good as Carlos. The perfect Carlos with the perfect hair and the awesome intellect and the lovely, lovely science. He couldn't be good enough. Cecil was just an ordinary radio show host, with an ordinary life, and a spectacular boyfriend.

So it was that day when his heart really died, and he couldn't bring himself to love Carlos. No, correction, he loved Carlos still. Of course he did! But he couldn't have this relationship any more. Not when he wasn't good enough.

When Carlos returned months later, Cecil was elated. He wanted to jump into the air and cheer and jump into his arms and kiss him and hug him and cry on his shoulder. But then he remembered that he couldn't any more.

Carlos came over to his house right after he got back.

"Cecil!" he said when he answered the door hesitantly. "I… I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Carlos." his voice was obviously very drained. "Come inside. We… We need to talk." he hated this. He hated himself for doing this. He didn't have to do this, but he did. But he hated it.

"What is it, bae?" a metaphorical knife to the gut. Bae had been Cecil's nickname for a while now, something cute and affectionate he was only called during their alone time. It hurt him so much to hear this, because he knew what he had to do next. He would never hear those words again.

"C-Carlos… I… We… I think we need to… break up…" he was almost crying now, hyperventilating and staring at the floor with an intensity. It was all he had not to collapse to the floor and shake uncontrollably with sobs.

_Why am I doing this? _He thought. _It isn't right! He loves me, I love him! _But he kept remembering that he wasn't good enough.

"Wh… What? What are you saying? Are you serious?" he said. Cecil looked up and saw that his eyes were full of hurt and disbelief. Like it was a cruel joke.

"I am serious." he hoped Carlos didn't catch his voice cracking. "I just don't think—" it was at that point that he couldn't contain it anymore. He let out a racking sob, staggering backwards and trying to find his way out of the room through the blurry tears. He bumped into things and even almost knocked them over as he tried oh-so-desperately to get away from Carlos.

"W-Wait up, Cecil!" he heard footsteps behind him. _No! _He thought. _Don't catch up! _But a part of him wanted him to. He always wanted to be chased after by Carlos.

"No!" he shouted when the scientist finally managed to grab his arm. "Let go!" he said it firmly, like a demand, but he didn't resist.

"What's wrong? I know you can't be serious… according to my calculations, if someone bursts into tears after trying to break up with someone… it usually means they don't really want to. That there's something else going on." he heard the sad smile in his voice.

"N-Nothing's wrong." he said, but it wasn't convincing. After all, his voice was hoarse and shaky from the sobs. He obviously wasn't okay.

"Cecil." Carlos roughly grabbed his shoulder and spun him around to face him. "Tell me what's wrong. Right. Now."

"I can't! It's… it's not something…" he sighed. There was no way around Carlos when he got like this.

"Tell me. Go ahead."

"I… I'm not good enough." he closed his eyes and looked at the ground, expecting silence, but what he didn't expect was Carlos grabbing his chin and forcing his head up.

"Not good enough for what?" he demanded.

"You." for a moment, Carlos only stared at him blankly before he started to laugh loudly. It startled Cecil.

"Wh-What's so funny?" he said, confused.

"You're so cute, Cecil. I always thought I wasn't good enough for YOU!" he was still grinning.

"What? Not good enough for m-me?" he gasped.

"You're such an amazing person, Cecil. You're a wonderful radio host, but you're so much more than that. You're kind, funny, you have a killer sense of style, and just so much more I can't even put words to. It's made me jealous a couple of times, but mostly it just makes me love you more." Cecil gaped at Carlos. That was a stunning confession. Carlos really thought that highly of him?!

"Wh- But- I-" he tried very hard to say something comprehendible but before he could utter another word, Carlos kissed him lightly on the lips.

"Love you, bae." he chuckled, and a blush slowly creeped its way onto Cecil's face.

"I love you too."

He smiled for the first time in weeks.


End file.
